Seasons Greetings

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Frohe Weihnachten! Merry Christmas!

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Look at the Past, Thoughts for the Future

On August 29th, 2008 I wrote this:

Today something almost scary happened. Alright. So, I was walking from my physics class to my engineering class, cutting through the student union. As I was approaching the building, I saw someone ahead of me, in the crowd, with shockingly familiar skin, and a hair cut I swore I recognized. All of a sudden all thoughts left the conversation I was having with my friend and went towards discovering whether or not that person way ahead of me was who I thought it was. My walking speed increased, and all I could think about was pushing through the crowd to get to that person ahead, my friend left back behind me. I lost sight of him but kept pushing forward. People seemed to be moving extra slowly, and I darted and dodged until suddenly I was facing an orange shirt. My heart rate was going so fast I could feel the pulsing in my head, my hands shook, and as he turned to laugh at what the guy standing next to him said, my suspicions were confirmed. My reaction to seeing him was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Physically it was as though everything inside me was going at millions of miles an hour. But my head was oddly empty. I couldn’t think. For a moment I felt like a deer in the headlights, no clue as to what I was supposed to do. But I slowly came out of it and saw my options, stay here and fall behind, say something to him, or quickly walk past as though I didn’t see him, and wonder if he saw me or not. I was at a loss. My heart was racing so fast I felt like passing out. My arms were shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t talk to him. I was afraid of what might happen, and I wouldn’t stay there and let him walk away. So I sped up and passed him, literally an inch away. Whether or not he saw me, I have no idea. All I knew was that I had to get out of there as fast as I could. My vitals were out of control and I felt like crying. As soon as I felt far enough away, I slowed and tried to get a hold of myself. I was terrified of the way my heart beat faster than I could count and the uncontrollable trembling in my hands. It was horribly overwhelming. I had lost all control. Somehow, after all that time, he still had the ability to affect me, every part of me, even though he was the last person I wanted to have that power. I thought I was over it all, but he didn’t even have to say anything. Just the sight of him did it. Unraveled all of my hard work. Thinking I had successfully put him behind me was a joke. Now I am more afraid than ever. I fear I won’t be in control. That next time, when I run into him for real, I will be the same impressionable kid I was then, and he will once again tear apart my heart and my emotions.

Cleaning out an old folder I stumbled upon it. I am amazed at the reactions I had back then, over a year ago, only a year ago. Thinking about the same situation now, all I feel is pity and shame. Pity for the person he became; shame for allowing someone who didn't care much for me to hold such influence over me. Times are changing, always. Feelings are changing, always. Do I want to go back to the way things were? Not for a million dollars, as appealing as the thought of a million dollars is.

I have plans for the new year. Plans I want to finally follow through with. Looking back at how much I have changed, just in the last year or two, gives me reason to believe I can make my life even more positive than it has become. I can do what I wish to do to make my life happier, more livable. I am working on writing things down, setting clear goals with deadlines. It is time I take charge and not let others control my emotions, my happiness.

It is time I stop ignoring the fact that what I allow to happen isn't making me as happy as fixing what is happening would.








. . .

Coming Up

Greetings

My life has been hectic lately. In the middle of finals right now. But there are some things I want to try and get to over my nice long break, which starts Friday at 1pm. So stay tuned, because I have some things in mind for the future.







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Basics with a Basic Price

I did all of my laundry this weekend (I hate doing laundry so I always put it off until I have no clothes left) and I realized that all the solid colored shirts I have, be they long sleeved, spaghetti strapped, or somewhere in between, the shirts I call my basics and use to layer under clothes in the winter time, are starting to wear out and fall apart. I spend so much time and money looking for clothes I like that are statement pieces, that I seem to have forgotten that I wear these new things with old, worn out basics.

So, I decided it was high time to get myself some replacements, but I didn't want to spend much money on them, since many of them are never going to be fully seen. Where to go? I was looking through Target this weekend and they were having somewhat of a sale on their long sleeved and short sleeved solids, but I still didn't want to be dishing out $12 for a solid shirt that I doing under a dress I may have spent less on. What to do? Well, I kept looking, and I found some deals that worked for me.

1) The Children's Section at Target.
This one works for me because I am small enough to fit into little girl's larges and extra-larges. The boys section runs a little bigger. The thing I love about the girl's section is for someone my height and size (5'2" with short arms) the basics I find there fit me almost better than the junior's or adult shirts, and the price is cut by over half. The black long sleeved shirt I was looking at in the 'grown up' section cost $12, where the same shirt with slightly shorter arms and a different tag (by the same company, mind you) was $5. Let's all guess what I bought at Target this weekend, shall we?

2) Forever 21
Now, not everything at Forever 21 is reasonably priced these days, but they are currently selling spaghetti strap tops for $2.50 in a crazy variety of colors. Not only that, if you look online under their 'fabulous finds' they have other basics for a reasonable amount. But the $2.50 for 1 top, where there are a bunch of colors to choose from is making me excited. 4 tops for $10 lets me replace all the undershirts I bought 5 years ago.

Those two were on my shopping excursion for new basics this past weekend, though I know there are a great deal more places to find good things for a decent price. The thing I advocate, though, is thinking outside the 'you should buy your clothes from this store' or 'you should buy your clothes from this section' box, because when it comes to the basics, I would rather spend $5 than $50 for a black long sleeved shirt (but maybe that's just me).








. . .

This Week

This week:

I read:
Wuthering Heights, High School Debut Vol. 1 & 3, At the Sign of the Sugared Plum

I watched:
Fringe, New Moon, Bed Time Stories, Dancing With The Stars, Numb3rs

I played:
Free Cell

I listened to:
Teenagers by My Chemical Romance and Gives You Hell by All American Rejects really loud while singing along

I took advice from:
Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin

and I enjoyed every minute of it.







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